Mosaic Monday #130: Keeping Her Memory Alive

On April 28, 2021, my Mom joined my father, one of my sisters, a beloved niece and all of her siblings in Heaven.  If it is like any other family reunion I have attended, it would begin with Mass.  Faith was front and center for the German Catholic families on both sides, and especially for my Mom; you wouldn’t think to begin anything without having given thanks to God.  And THEN you could tuck into the bountiful buffet before you – home-made fried chicken, roast beef, chicken with noodles, potato salad, Jell-O with the requisite shredded carrots or cabbage, and desserts that seem to outnumber the stars in the sky.

It is not lost on me that today is Mother’s Day in the U.S.  I couldn't bring myself to write this post last week, and then it occurred to me the post would fall on Mother’s Day – how appropriate!  What is motherhood?  Sacrifice.  Nurturing.  Passing on traditions and values.  My Mom had a heart the size of Texas.  How else would she have raised 7 kids and looked after my Dad until he passed in 1998?  Who can count the washed diapers (cloth, you know), the meals, the number of sick kids, etc.?  I am pretty sure I could not have done it. To borrow a quote from one of my nephews on FaceBook: "She is selfless, humble, a crochet master, a gooseberry pie chef, and a shining example of love." 

So, I begin this post with gratitude.  I was blessed to have my Mom for 92 years (or 33,274 days, as my younger brother posted on FB).  I am thankful that my parents welcomed every child that the Lord sent; as number six out of my seven siblings, I would have been out of luck if they had decided to stop after 2! Like many children, the years spent raising my own children and building my career translated to less time with Mom, but we were fortunate that she often came to visit us.  Texas for the birth of our daughter (with Dad).  Arizona for the birth of our son (Dad passed away right before his birth). England during our expatriate assignment.  Cleveland, Ohio for multiple events, including the graduation of both of our children.

You asked her to go somewhere, and she said yes.  (Although she was a bit more reticent if she was footing the bill … she was legendary for picking the least expensive item at restaurants when she was paying.  Well, on second thought, it didn't matter who was paying!)  But that penny-wise mentality fed and clothed 9 people on a tight budget, and you might be shocked to know the value of savings and investments she had accumulated by her retirement.  It was important to her to leave money for her children, even though most of us don’t need it.

Toward the end of my career, I spent most of my working days in Troy, Ohio, which was only a 45-minute drive to Mom.  One night of every week, I would join her for dinner (she almost always insisted on feeding me rather than going out).  We ate, watched Wheel of Fortune and played cards (almost always Kings in the Corner).  Treasured moments.

Both of my parents gave us the gift of a strong work ethic.  I especially admire my Mom because, after nearly 30 years as a home-maker, she went to work as a shoe salesperson and became very successful.  Introverted most of her life, I can only imagine the mental strength it took for her to do this.  She was my very first role model for what women can do in the workplace.

After we moved to Montana in 2017, Mom visited us twice.  The first time she traveled with my oldest sister, a trip they made via Amtrak, thus fulfilling a dream to travel overnight by train. This coincided with my early days of blogging, and I documented the visit in several posts  (9/10/2017, 10/9/2017, 12/8/2017, 2/9/2018).  By that time, Mom had begun using a walker (nick-named the Cadillac), and it still amazes me that she would walk anywhere as long as the ground was fairly level. 

Mom loved Cardinals, and one of her favorite colors was red.  Her Cadillac and her tri-cycle were red!

The second visit was part of a larger trip in September 2018, encompassing Colorado, Utah, Yellowstone and the Tetons along the way.  Two of my brothers and their spouses, along with my oldest sister, were accompanying her.  The whole gang stayed with us at our freshly minted log home.  It was a very special day when Mom harvested the first of the apples from an apple tree that had been planted in her honor.

Mom always told us that she moved off the farm because she didn’t like dirt.  Later in life, she relished gardening, and had quite the collection of thriving African violets.  She also enjoyed crocheting (see July 16, 2017), and created many baby blankets for her grandchildren.  She crocheted many animals, especially giraffes for great-grands.  Lest you think she was completely soft-hearted, woe to those who might have her for a euchre partner when she was wasn’t winning!  She might have a word or two for you if you dealt the other team a good hand, or she felt you mis-played a hand!

That December, we threw a party in Ohio to commemorate her 90^th birthday (see 1/19/2019 post).    Part of my contribution was a memory book, aptly titled “GG at 90  Still on the Go”. 

At that time, Mom had 17 grandchildren and 20 great-grands.  At this writing, she has 25 great-grands and one more on the way.

In between all of these visits, I had weekly Skype calls with Mom.  For a woman that grew up with no running water, electricity or radio, I was always impressed with her willingness and ability to learn new technology.

I will miss her, but since she is at peace, I am at peace.  Isolation must have been difficult for her, even though she was a fairly introverted person.  You don’t want someone close to you to die, but you also do not want to see them suffer.  

Fast forward to June 2020.  The U.S. is three months into the pandemic and Mom goes on 24-hour oxygen to help her burdened lungs and heart.  As I wrote in my June 21, 2020 post, it was time to give back just a small portion of what I had received.  I prepared the meals, a turning of the tables after 90 years of Mom’s cooking.   I could tell she was becoming frailer, and the oxygen issues affected her short-term memory.  (Ultimately, my two older sisters would move her from independent living in Dayton to assisted living in Cincinnati in late October).  But the rest of our traditions remained intact.  Playing cards.  Watching Wheel of Fortune.  Eating Butter Pecan ice cream from Graeter’s.

She could also be incredibly stubborn about letting go of things.  For years to come, I think we will tell the story about her cast-iron skillet.  Used for decades to cook everything from eggs to roast beef, it was “seasoned”.  When my sisters moved her, the skillet was one of the things to go.  For months afterward, we heard about that skillet.  One time she even asked me if I thought we could find it if we made the rounds of the thrift stores!

With the benefit of hindsight, I can see the deterioration.  She was sleeping more.  She had a hard time remembering how to use her cell phone.  For cyber security, we removed her laptop and it became quite difficult to reach her by phone, and scheduling Skype calls through her facility was challenging during the height of the pandemic.  On April 12, 2021, she was admitted to the ER for shortness of breath.  By the end of the week, the doctors would conclude that there was nothing more that they could do, and that, without extraordinary measures, her congestive heart failure would lead to her death within six months.

Many family members visited her that weekend, saying their “good-byes.”  Each in our own way, in those final days, told Mom that it was OK to go.

I flew to Ohio on April 19, and joined Mom and my older sister at the hospital.  (I was happy to give my sister some relief – especially because the weeks leading up to Mother’s Day at the florist shop can be quite busy.)  After my arrival, the doctor planned to lower the oxygen level gradually, which was expected to cause further deterioration in her condition.  It could be fast, or she could linger.  They would keep her comfortable from pain.  I spent much of that first night watching for any change in the rising and falling of her chest.

From the FB post of a niece-in-law:  I have loved getting to know you over the past 6 years.  I love how we have bonded over our shared love of sauerkraut soup.  There have been many amazing memories, but the one I will hold close was seeing you meet and hold our second daughter, and have our first daughter collect sticks for you, just 19 days before your passing.  Heaven is happy to have you!  We are thrilled you are there playing all the euchre your heart desires.

The next afternoon, she was transferred back to her apartment, and she seemed to rally.  We ate together (she consistently consumed ALL of her breakfast), played cards and chatted.   Nurses from hospice provided care around the clock in two shifts.  I didn’t see the same nurse twice during my three days at the apartment; they were wonderful women and would ask about our family.  One of the first nurses asked Mom if her husband was handsome, and Mom replied “Well, of course!”  There was nothing wrong with her repartee those last few days.  And it didn’t take long to figure out that we should show the nurses my memory book and the one made by one of my nieces for her 80^th birthday; while Mom was sleeping, it could bring her to life for them.

From the FB post of a niece: I am happy that she is finally dancing with her husband again after 20 years since his death.

“Old Mom” peeked out at random moments.  My oldest brother celebrated a birthday during my stay with Mom, and she wanted to call and wish him a happy birthday.  Darn it if she didn’t sing it for him!!!  And at every meal, she would offer us some of her food.  Until the very end, she was still worried that everyone was getting enough to eat.

Spousal Unit recalls his first visit to my Mom and Dad’s house, before we were married.  Mom served sauerkraut soup and home-made bread.  He always loved her bread; it took him a few more years to acquire the taste for the soup!  Mom was also legendary for her gooseberry pie, and from an early age I recall that she made popcorn with bacon grease – you can’t beat the extra flavor!

Our daughter lives in Cincinnati, and she was indispensable, bringing food for me and my sister, keeping me company and providing transportation to and from the airport.  She was there the last night of my stay, and took these photos as we played cards.  These are the last pictures I have of my Mom.  That night, as she was getting ready for “bed”, I sang her a few songs and she mouthed the words along with me.  “Row, row, row your boat.”  “America the Beautiful.”  “Amazing Grace.”  I reminded her that I would be leaving in the morning, and that I loved her.  She nodded, and said she would miss me.  The next morning, she had slipped deeper into sleep and didn’t respond to my touch or farewell.  How blessed I was to have those final days with her.

In December 2013, when my Mom was 85, she gave each of her children a book “Mother’s Memories to her Child.”  Each page had prompts, and Mom’s unique handwriting captured her responses.  I hope I have taught you that God is in control and continue to do His will.  “Come to me all you who labor and are burdened and I will give you rest.”  The thing that I most look forward to about heaven: Reunion with your father and sister, my Mother and Father.  One great reunion.  Seeing God.

At her service, Deacon Larry spoke about the Egyptian belief that people die twice – the first is the physical death, and the second death is when no one remains to tell stories about the person.  This post was certainly for me, but it is also about perpetuating her memory through stories.  Until we meet again, Mom!

 

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